Not Interesting Enough to be Healthy?

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*I still tuck my shirt into my sweatpants

Growing up I was always performing and  loved to be on camera. Watching old VHS tapes of me dancing, tumbling and singing is a bit much, because honestly I was kind of annoying. I still crave that attention, but its a much more low key kind of attention. The kind where I want you to notice me but then almost immediately forget that I even exist. My eating disorders did that for me. Somewhere in my development  I became convinced that I was not  interesting enough to be healthy. Without any  interests, goals or hobbies how could I stand out from the pack? As my eating disorders took over my identity, I found that I didn’t really have to be interesting. I could let my body speak for itself. And most of the time it worked. No one really wanted to talk to me. There were the basic pleasantries of hello and how are you?  And honestly, I was cool with that. I didn’t try to extend the conversation further because then they would figure out that I’m not actually interesting. This way of thinking limited me from having genuine connection with people for years. I think about all the missed friendships and opportunities that I let fall threw the cracks because I was too afraid to love myself.

Sure those old videos are annoying, but they are also very sad for me. All that confidence, where did it go? That little girl had energy to live. She thought she was not only very interesting but smart, athletic, and beautiful. Where did she go wrong? I’ve gotten better at accepting myself as a healthy body, but I still fight those thoughts of  but, am I interesting enough? 

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NEDA WALKED

A week ago I took my boyfriend to the NEDA walk here in Madison, WI. We were a small team of two, but it meant so much that he was there with me. I think its important to acknowledge that even though I tend to make my eating disorder all about me, it greatly affects those who love me. There were a couple of speakers at the walk and one was the father of young woman who died of heart complications due to bulimia. His story struck a chord. As he was describing his daughter I felt a level of guilt. He was here to raise money to help me and sufferers like his daughter. At 7 years of  being in recovery, I was not trying hard enough. I had thrown up maybe a day or two before the walk because of a binge that started with a cookie that I emotionally ate. I know better than that. My boyfriend, family and friends deserve more than that.

I deserve more than that. And I probably deserved that cookie too.

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To VOMIT with words

I am here again. I am where I always end up when things feel scary or uneasy. I am living alone and I am unhappy. I am in what I thought was a dream job and I am unhappy. I have been scared to write or talk to anyone about how I am feeling because by now I should be recovered, right?

Where do I go from here? I am reaching out for real help (outside of my boyfriend) for the first time since being out of treatment and I am worried that it still won’t be enough. I want to start over. But I have had so many star-overs, the start over is getting old. I need a permanent high. Something that makes me feel like I am here for a reason.

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO THIS? HOW DO YOU FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE?

I’m so tired of this cycle. Bulimia is the template to which I live my life. I start something and convince myself its right and then when I get uncomfortable I throw it up. I  don’t want it anymore. Take it away.

I just cant believe I am back where I was a few months ago. I am back staring bulimia in the face everyday. Its all so hard.

oh, i’m also 29 now.

 

Asking for Help is NOT Easy

Miraculously, I have gone almost a month without engaging. It’s pretty amazing because I have had a rough couple of weeks due to a ton of work/job search stress. I haven’t binged/ purged… I might be restricting at times due to pigging out a little bit on the weekends. Okay, so then maybe I lied… I have engaged in behaviors. BUT, NO PURGING! Huge win for me. I want to purge. I actually want to purge right now as I type this sentence. I just ate a mayonnaisey curry chicken salad wrap and kettle chips at a local coffee shop, and though delicious and exactly what I wanted, I’m feeling pretty stuffed and uncomfortable. I’m also wearing a body suit that stretches tightly across my body. The fabric clings and forms around my love handles and expands with every second to make room for the wrap I just ate. But, I am going to ignore this. I know it’s okay to feel this way, that my ed thoughts are irrational and that it will pass.

I wanted the wrap. I ate it. It was delish. End of story.

Now, I am terrible at asking for help of any sort. I like to be the one that fixes things.  But this week was TOUGH.  I have a pretty serious work problem going on and I have never gone through anything like it.  Ryan pushed me to call my parents and reach out to my network for help and advice. At first, I resisted. I don’t want to let these people know that I am failing at something right now. I want them to think I’m strong. But, after calling my mom and talking things through I had a much deeper sense of clarity. It felt so nice to let it all out and sob for a bit. She was very supportive and it left me questioning why I am so resistant to seeking help, especially from my family. Something in my history has lead me to assuming that no one wants to hear or help me with my problems. Nor do I want them to know about my problems. Maybe it’s a stupid pride thing. But, where does that come from? I also reached out to my friends who were incredibly supportive and helpful.  Nothing has been solved yet, but I feel a little bit better than when I was dealing with it all by myself. So, hopefully I learned something from this little situation. I would like to think that I am now much more open to reaching out when I need help. But, we will see.

Coping (or not coping) with Job Stress

Well friends, I have entered myself into the job search arena and I am not thrilled to be back… again. I have terrible interview anxiety. This past week I scheduled three separate interviews and it was a bit overwhelming for me. For all three interviews I had butterflies in my stomach. But, they didn’t feel like nice little butterflies fluttering around. Instead, it felt like huge angry falcons tearing through my intestines. It was very unpleasant. There were many times where I wanted to stop freaking out and start engaging. I felt so threatened by the unknown of what these interviews might entail, what I might be asked, what I might say, it all felt out of control.

There were a few times during each interview where I dissociated and felt myself observing rather than listening. After asking a question, I would take myself out of the conversation and numb out completely. I hate when I do this. It’s like my brain gets overwhelmed with processing everything that is happening around me and then just stops working. Then for like 5 seconds I panic because I can feel the person anticipate ending what they are about to say, and have some expectation of me to keep the conversation going. But I am lost and don’t know what to say because I haven’t been paying attention. It makes having a connection with someone 100x harder.

Despite this, I feel like I tried my best. The fact that I didn’t engage beforehand I guess is a win in itself. But now it’s all out of my hands and up to the people I tried so hard to impress. But, I don’t know which had me leaving feeling worse: the anxiety of the pre-interview or the anxiety that follows you post interview. The pressure is on for me to find a different job and its scary. I want to fuel my ed. I want to feed her and let her indulge. But, I know that when I engage bad things seem to follow. I can’t afford to leave anything to chance.

 

I don’t really know where I am on a recovery scale. I’m more comfortable with food these days, and feel like I have been much better at resisting ed behaviors. Where I am having a harder time is in understanding and processing my feelings. For example, on Friday I was supposed to hear back from a recruiter about a final decision in regards to one of the jobs I had been interviewing for. But, when I didn’t hear back I fell apart. So much anger and self hatred flowed through me.  No, no one died. I know it was just a job, but to me it just felt like another person telling me I’m still not good enough.  I argued with Ryan about how I let things get to me too easy, and then I went home and ate an entire bag of BoomChicka Pop. I didn’t mean to eat that much and every second that passed afterwards was painfully annoying. I wanted to throw it all up so bad and just go to bed. I took a shower and started to self harm. When I was younger I used to self harm by scratching, pulling and punching at my legs and tummy.  I felt disgusting back then, and I felt disgusted that night. I punched my legs and stomach until my skin turned red and I had exhausted myself. It helped relieve some of the anger in the moment, but not at all a healthy behavior.

I can admit now that it was a bit of an over reaction.

Today, I am better. I went to hot yoga, ate a huge delicious lunch, and applied for more jobs. I have moved on, and am trying to practice self care. But I need to be stronger and nicer to myself.

Hey, I am back.

Ughhhhhh. God. Looking back at some of my old blog posts, I cringe. I really want to delete them because they were written by a girl still so sick (I am specifically talking about the ones about IIFYM, macros, and my physique). But, I won’t delete them because even though they are so embarrassing and childish they are part of my recovery story. I think I was so unhappy and unfulfilled in my career at that time that I needed something else to feel like I was in control of my life. For me, gaining control has always meant manipulating my body through food and fitness. This time my eating disorder took the form of “IIFYM” and “Macro Counting”. However, under those trendy buzzwords that may  outwardly seem healthy, was a girl still using restriction, bingeing and purging as a way to make herself feel better. Though I had to walk away from IIFYM and macro counting, I think that the lifestyle can be utilized in a healthy way. I just happen to be someone who takes things to the extreme and it quickly became a very unhealthy, obsessive lifestyle.

So, my life has changed a lot over the past year or so. I moved, got a new job, dropped the IIFYM/macro counting stuff, and am trying to figure out this whole intuitive eating thing. I am back on here because I need to write. I am still not completely fulfilled in my career, but I am trying to figure out what it is that I want. My e.d robbed me of so much and even at 28, I am still trying to put the pieces back together. What did I like before e.d took over? What were my passions? I refuse to stop searching for myself.

My moods have been ridiculous

Lately I have been experiencing some really intense mood swings. I feel depressed and exhausted one day, the next day I’m totally fine. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel crazy.

Today, I feel unmotivated, tired, sad, and angry. I hate myself. There is something missing from my life. I don’t have the energy to figure out what it is. At least today I don’t. Last night I felt alive and happy. Ryan and I went to an AIGA event and I found it to be very inspiring. I left the event feeling completely content and ready to move forward with a few projects I have going on. This morning I woke up and everything felt so hard. My life is not bad. I feel stupid for complaining. I have all of my basic needs met and so much more. So what in the fuck is wrong with me.

I haven’t been engaging in my eating disorder. My macros have been steadily increasing and while I have not put on any weight, my body feels heavier and softer. I understand that this is part of the process, but its hard to adjust.

I wish the weekend didn’t have to end. I spend way too much time dreading for the work week to start up again. It would be nice to forget for a few hours that the time off  work didn’t have to end. This is majorly depressing. I’m sorry if I have bummed you out.

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