Well friends, I have entered myself into the job search arena and I am not thrilled to be back… again. I have terrible interview anxiety. This past week I scheduled three separate interviews and it was a bit overwhelming for me. For all three interviews I had butterflies in my stomach. But, they didn’t feel like nice little butterflies fluttering around. Instead, it felt like huge angry falcons tearing through my intestines. It was very unpleasant. There were many times where I wanted to stop freaking out and start engaging. I felt so threatened by the unknown of what these interviews might entail, what I might be asked, what I might say, it all felt out of control.
There were a few times during each interview where I dissociated and felt myself observing rather than listening. After asking a question, I would take myself out of the conversation and numb out completely. I hate when I do this. It’s like my brain gets overwhelmed with processing everything that is happening around me and then just stops working. Then for like 5 seconds I panic because I can feel the person anticipate ending what they are about to say, and have some expectation of me to keep the conversation going. But I am lost and don’t know what to say because I haven’t been paying attention. It makes having a connection with someone 100x harder.
Despite this, I feel like I tried my best. The fact that I didn’t engage beforehand I guess is a win in itself. But now it’s all out of my hands and up to the people I tried so hard to impress. But, I don’t know which had me leaving feeling worse: the anxiety of the pre-interview or the anxiety that follows you post interview. The pressure is on for me to find a different job and its scary. I want to fuel my ed. I want to feed her and let her indulge. But, I know that when I engage bad things seem to follow. I can’t afford to leave anything to chance.
I don’t really know where I am on a recovery scale. I’m more comfortable with food these days, and feel like I have been much better at resisting ed behaviors. Where I am having a harder time is in understanding and processing my feelings. For example, on Friday I was supposed to hear back from a recruiter about a final decision in regards to one of the jobs I had been interviewing for. But, when I didn’t hear back I fell apart. So much anger and self hatred flowed through me. No, no one died. I know it was just a job, but to me it just felt like another person telling me I’m still not good enough. I argued with Ryan about how I let things get to me too easy, and then I went home and ate an entire bag of BoomChicka Pop. I didn’t mean to eat that much and every second that passed afterwards was painfully annoying. I wanted to throw it all up so bad and just go to bed. I took a shower and started to self harm. When I was younger I used to self harm by scratching, pulling and punching at my legs and tummy. I felt disgusting back then, and I felt disgusted that night. I punched my legs and stomach until my skin turned red and I had exhausted myself. It helped relieve some of the anger in the moment, but not at all a healthy behavior.
I can admit now that it was a bit of an over reaction.
Today, I am better. I went to hot yoga, ate a huge delicious lunch, and applied for more jobs. I have moved on, and am trying to practice self care. But I need to be stronger and nicer to myself.